sometimes i sweat...sometimes dream

[parch]

sometimes i place my eyes together
make my lips pull back in anger
sometimes i hide, sometimes i stand
sometimes i'm fearful
and then i have this itchy feeling in my throat
and nothing comes out
sometimes blood comes out of me
sometimes it flows like a river
sometimes i sweat...sometimes dream
sometimes i do them both together
that's when the haunting lights appear
that's when i know that you are near
you make me want to wake
to be somewhere else
sometimes you hurt me in my dreams
it makes shake and shiver quickly
it makes me hate to fall asleep
it makes me so afraid
sometimes
sometimes i run away
sometimes i stand and stay
but usually
it happens that
i wake to find the day
and wait again to see the night
hide from your light
sometimes i dream

___---parch

[machinery]

well sometimes...

It just got to be blah blah blah...I didn't like how i read sometimes over and over again. I know you can do better. It didn't grasp me. It needs to reach out and grab the reader, make them gasp. Try revising it and make it stick out more, break it down....

[parch]

thank you..honesty is so nice sometimes.haha..."sometimes" - that's funny...anyway.. to all the other poets out there...w/ me. you can be honest. i can take it. if not then i'll erase what you post. haha..just jokin, but please be honest.
___---parch

[parch]

REVISED


sometimes i place my eyes together
make my lips pull back in anger
sometimes i hide, sometimes i stand
.. i'm so fearful sometimes
and then i have this breaking feeling in my throat, like the steel brand is putting a big fucking X inside my head
and nothing comes out
___nothing, then blood,
--- comes out of me, flowing like a river, twisting around me, pulling me in
sometimes i sweat...sometimes dream
sometimes i do them both together
that's when the haunting lights appear
that's when i know that you are near
you make me want to wake
to be somewhere else
to be
separate, free, someone else, anyone else, anybody but me, cause its you standing there...THIS IS YOU - hurting me
sometimes you hurt me in my dreams
it makes shake and shiver quickly
makes me hate to fall asleep
so afraid-
sometimes
i run away;
or stand and stay;
but usually
it happens that-
--i wake to find the day
wait again to see the night
hide from your light
sometimes i dream

___---parch

i hope the revision improved it a little...man it did suck the 1st time...if it still sucks...oh well..fuck it!

i want the honest opinion of machinery if i can get it. is it still "blah?"

[machinery]

No, definitely not blah anymore. This is bang up job from your first. You changed it up..and I like it. I like how you combined some sentences and some ideas with the simple use of a comma or semi colon. Good work. Revision is so hard. You know, ideas and lines come out with ease, but actually sitting down...arranging and changing can be a bitch. Good work..

[machinery]

" then blood,
--- comes out of me, flowing like a river, twisting around me, pulling me in"

This was excellent. Flowin like a river...wow..that was intense. I just saw it and actually felt it. Keep it up on the descriptions.

Oh, sorry I didn't get to this earlier....